I've isolated myself tonight. No plans, no contact with anyone. My decision of this was purposeful, but why do I feel terribly lonely? I wish I could discuss my feelings with someone. But the friends I've made here are not emotionally mature yet. They don't yet understand the complexity of the world, men, relationships, interactions. I am just emotionally exhausted playing mother hen to them. I wish I had someone who could be my support. I suppose not having anyone is my doing. I pretend to be strong, when deep down I am just like everyone else. I should be really happy, for the most part I had a really stellar night last night. It was the fashion show and I don't normally boost but I looked damn hot! Some of the pics are on Facebook and Twitter but for once in a really long time I was completely care free and enjoying myself. It took the people at the salon just about 3 hours to do my hair and make-up. I was the first one to get in the chair and by the time I was finished I realized that everyone was waiting for me. A part of me felt bad but the other part didn't give a fuck. I need to start being more selfish. I've become more assertive, but I feel like I've hit a ceiling. But I digress, walking the runway was so much fun, to have all those eyes on you was nerve racking but o so gratifying. If only after the fashion didn't turn out to be so shit. I've made a good friend in my classes, but she is only 20 and is a terribly big princess. I really don't get it. Every time I go to a club or out, someone in my group is in a foul mood and ends up dragging the whole mood of the group down. Which happened last night. And do you want to know what it was over, her fucking bag. She didn't want to carry it around with her. I really don't understand these juvenile problems. Coat check the fucking bag. I was ready to party and show off my amazing hair and make-up, but all she wanted to do was leave and come back to my place where all her stuff was from the day before because it was our cohort wrap party at a classmates house. O and even that party ended with her being all emotionally immature. I am dying to get back home so I can hang out with the 2 good friends I know will have a good time if we go out.

But, I am dying to have some testosterone around me. And by that some age appropriate testosterone. I need someone on my level, the same page. I want to go to a bar play pool, win at pool and them buying me beer. I want a good conversation and I want to see the intensity in their eyes because they are yearning for more. Or even better, stay in play some PS3 or something. Some game show game even better! I've improved my game show skills so I want to test them out! I won for my team at Jeopardy in my International Business class the other day. Practically dominated answering the questions. I am really proud of myself. But back to the testosterone... to stay in would be lovely, to have good wine, or beer and to flirt. O how I miss the other gender.