Today is a day where I wish I lived with a room-mate or slept over at a boys house. I woke up wishing I could smell coffee brewing and a bustling in the kitchen. O how I could do with a good cuddle on my couch and watch the CFL Grey Cup final.

I have a inner torment in me, not of Shakespearian proportion but enough feelings to embody on a lesser degree some of his characters. I am finding it difficult, wait.... I am not willing to admit that I am in denial of certain comings that have transpired over the past while, over the past years. I put the blame squarely on my shoulders and realize that I have avoided my feelings which has prolonged them unnecessarily. I understand to the highest degree that a change on my part needs to happen for me to deal with them. I have wished for a different outcome many a times and still do today honestly, but moving on is the only feasible outcome I see and even though it is the choice it sucks.

I suppose I am fearful that what I found won't be found again. Once you've had something delicious it is hard to give it up and substitute it for something else. I guess you can't have your cake and eat it too, or something only comes once in a life time. On that note I guess the pros in this situation are ones that allow me to see what those substitutes are. Granted, I have to wait til I am back in the right city. I am smart enough to hold back a little and wait til all my ducks are aligned before embarking on a quest to discover perhaps that the substitute is better than the actual thing. I suppose in the short term, I am going to keep on doing what I currently doing. Having fun and making the most of my time out here. The fashion show is next week and really looking forward to that. I am scared shitless but getting my hair and make-up done is well worth the terror I will feel walking down the runway.

I guess to end, to summarize, to reflect. This is reality and it is life, to dwell such as I have is not entirely healthy for the mind. I really feel like an idiot and feel pathetic, but I know I am so much better than that. I don't know what I was thinking then and the time leading up to now. I kinda hate myself. But don't worry, I am not going to spiral down into some Shakespearian tragedy, that would be too extreme and emotionally immature. I am old enough now to cut the over emotional bs. I guess the only other good thing to come out of this, is that I know what I want and that I am not going to settle until I do get it or close to it within reason. I am confident in who I am and what kinda of life I want to lead...albeit kinda crazy.