I think that I am most mad at myself. I cannot seem to battle the greatest enemy that I face...myself. I suppose that is what most people struggle from, themselves. I won several battles, but not the war. I have to re-evaluate my position and have an attack ready to win this damn war. But hey I am a fighter, pretty stubborn and wont give up easy. Which sucks.
I know this subject is so old to be talking about and to be analyzed and repeatedly be talked about. For me I think it is necessary in some ways to help me understand why/what/how I am feeling. I am just going to come out with it. I figure why should I disguise my thoughts and words with metaphor meanings. Pointless right?!?!?
I really don't think my heart can take much more. New years proved to me a very good example. Just when you think you are ok, your not. I know I am always going to like you. No matter what. It is just that plain and simple. It sucks so much. I really don't understand why I do, I just do. I have really had it with myself. It sucks so much that I live next bloody door to you. I am desperate to get out of Calgary. I need a change of surroundings. I have no clue what is was/is about you. But you sure can have a girl under your spell for quite a while. ahhh. I am also so sick of thinking about it and writing about it. I am so frustrated. I don't get it. I hate being a romantic at heart and getting to sweeped up with relationships and all that comes with that. I suppose all will reveal itself.
I know I sound a bit crazy. Well maybe just a little. lol. Karma sure hates me big time. I know it is all on me, even when the approach is not from me. I stand my distance for the most part. I know my role is only going to be used for sex. I am not naive about that. I am just trying to figure out where I can build on solid ground so I can stand and not be defeated. By me, by anyone. Thank the lord classes start up again. I am so tired of my self induced/friend induced pain. I want to fill that hollow void that has plagued me for a while now. Atleast I know I am not ready for a relationship where I fall in love. I cannot do that at this stage of my life, I am way to young and that can wait til 5 years or so from now.
but hey I finally figured out the ipod. so I am off to sleep.