I think that I have come to the realization that I put up this front about you so that I don't have to deal with the fact that I am not over you. Yes, it has been ages, no denying that. It is easier for me to "hate" you so that I don't have to confront my feelings. I feel that I am trying to protect myself. Never in my life have I felt so hurt. IT is unintentionally, but hurt all the same. I just don't know how to get over you. Yes, I have moved on with my life, for the most part. I think I am hung up on the idea that I thought you were really close to perfect. You have a good family, like my momma always says I should look for. Your values are all pretty good, I mean your loyalty to those people whom you care for is one of the most admirable qualities. Your looking for that one person who is your #1, your ally, your best friend. It's hard to deny that. That's what I want basically too. I feel really bad that I made you look like a horrible person. It really pangs my heart, cause I know that's not you at all. I know that you are this totally amazing person. You were always caring, and your way with words is second to none. I don;t want to write in here complaining what could of been. I know I have to eventually get over this. I am just not sure that time is enough. Obviously when I look back at all those fun times a smiles pops onto my face.

I remember being "mad" at you one time cause you had a) pushed me into the snow b) tripped me while walking to the bus stop c)you throwing snow balls at me, SO since your three strikes were out, I plotted to get you back some how I never did, what a shame, but you called out my hallow threats. I think that was so cute at the time and still do looking back. I loves the dynamics that we had with each other. Its was so much fun, never in my life did I laugh so much. What I thought was so silly was you making fun of me all the time, calling me chicken shit, calling my toes dino tooties, me hating when you called me toots. Now that I look back at all of that as you were being affectionate. O wait I forgot one - making me play poker. lol. It wasn't that bad cause I won most of the time.

I am just so scared that I am not going to be able to find something with someone else cause all the qualities I am pretty much looking for is in you. I don't know where to find a guy with what I am looking for. I know what special person was captivated with me. And when it was all gone I knew that I truly lost some one amazing.

I have this deeply caring part of me that puts everything into who I love, friends/bf. I just put out to much and expect nothing in return. I know I have all of my 20's to find new guys, but I know what I want now and I know it is not going to change. The values, things I look fot in a person has always been inside me.

I just wish that I could of gotten a seond chance. Think back we were both good, you can't deny that. In the end yes things got out of hand. I do admit that. But I truely believe that I was going through a tough time and we were not communicating enough.

I am not a girl any more who is overly emotional. I learnt not to cry about things that are silly.

I feel like if you loved me like you said you did, why did'ny you stick by me? Thats what I would of done if the situation was reversed. I would have gotten us both through and back on an even keel. I feel betrayed that you did'nt tell me sooner, then maybe things would have been said to fix our problems.

All O want to say is you are one truely amaaing person, who is rather beautiful in so many ways. I will always remember you making me the happist girl in the world. Not to metion how beauitful and well hot you made me feel.

I try not to laugh, but I cannot help my outburst of giggles. Nothing against you, not at all. But you sexually frustrated?? lol. I guess we all go through that. I am just laughing cause that is exactly how I feel. Not getting it in a good long while is slowly reaping its toxic affect in me. It is getting to the point where I know I will break at some point. I am not willing to do anything with anyone I am not good friends with. I have no guy friends who I have sexual tension with who are single. Which sucks. I mean come on boy's so not fair. I mean I could really make it fun! Dress up in my police officer costume, or an "innocent" school girl look, O I suppose I can borrow my friends nurse costume. O what fun all those things could be. I am a very good catch. I have it going on. My smile and eyes. Call me when either one of you is free, I promise you will have a good time. That is not to mean that I am some little whore. More than anything I want a relationship, but if I have to express my sexual frustrations out then by all means I shall do that. Just with people I have trust in.

So because of all of this I am running to put all of this energy some where. Ran three days in a row. Did'nt stop either. My legs are just really really sore. I think I pulled something in my left leg. I think it might be my Jazz shoes. I am going to slatter my sister for taking my shoes. In all likelyhood I am still going to run in my shoes that I have. I really want to keep into shape. I like the fact that I lost 16+ pounds in a matter of 3 months. I look that much better. I love my legs, they are awesome. The only thing that bothers me is that my boobs got bigger!!! Ya you guys are thinking that it is not such a big deal. But it is. lol

O the woes of Laura.