Monday, Jun. 08, 2015 10:29 pm : I of the Storm
Under the stars, I sit and wonder, while the lake waves move rhythmically - why do I torture myself with what I feel? I feel out of reach, what am I searching for? Some times my thoughts are like bullets, piercing my soul, no way of exiting. Maybe, I suppose I suppress what I am feeling. Actually, I know I do. This past semester was the downfall of that. Now that I'm officially done and been at the lake for over a month, I am trying to deal with all these emotions that have been eating me up inside. I think what I mostly desire, what my emotions have lead me to is that I need to think more highly of myself. Nothing is ever good enough and I pick at every little or major slip up I have. I also need to expel myself from my social anxiety. Looking backwards, its clear to me now. It's hard because once I warm up, I am the best of friends. I like having people around me. The past semester, isolated was really hard. I guess to, it doesn't help that the one person I connected with lives in Europe. It's hard. I just want to run into his arms and for him to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. I know it will. But, I am missing a best friend, lover, here. I want that and need it. I guess I just feel lost. How did I end up like this? It's not a tragic. Just...sucky. I try and rationalize it in my head.